Facing Chronic Illness: Gratitude, Grief, and Grace

A reflection on living with chronic illness.

+JMJ+ Last week, I underwent my third ICD generator change.

If you live with a chronic illness (such as heart disease) you know these quiet moments where reality sinks in all over again. No matter how long you’ve lived with it, there are times when the fragility and unpredictability hit differently. You are once again reminded that this body, this life, comes with real limitations. In reality, you aren't as in control as you think you are.

This time, it hit a little harder.

The ICD that was just removed (my second one) is the same one that saved my life a few years ago. It fired when I needed it most. It kept my heart beating when it otherwise may not have. Letting go of it, even for a necessary replacement, stirred up more than I expected. That little device was a lifeline. It gave me more time with my family and more time on this earth. That’s a lot to contend with.

I'm still here, still alive, and still breathing in this beautiful world. For that, I am deeply, overwhelmingly grateful.

God doesn’t always give us answers, but He gives us those moments-"glimmers of grace." He gives us small miracles. He gives us second chances. He gives us grace. This surgery could have been more complex and more dangerous (especially with me being pregnant) but my doctors and I made the decision to keep it simple for now. Only the generator was changed. The lead that’s been giving trouble can wait. We'll take things one thing at a time.

Still, the lead-up has been stressful. I’ve been carrying that weight for months. Now that it’s over, I can finally exhale. Still, it's heavy on my mind. I'm still recovering, the pain and discomfort are still there, and so I'm more focused on it. I know I’ll recover and move on and stop thinking about it constantly, just like I always do. But I also know the grief has a way of circling back. That ache, that sense of loss, of vulnerability always comes back in unexpected moments. It finds you when you’re folding laundry or trying to fall asleep. It humbles you. And it calls you back to the Cross every time.

This cross is mine. And, by the grace of God, I have come to see it as a gift.

Some days I believe that more easily than others. Pregnancy hormones and certain life changes certainly don’t make it easier right now, and I’m feeling especially fragile these days. However, I know deep-down that fragility isn’t weakness. It’s honesty, and it’s being human.

One thing that has truly helped me is the Surrender Novena. If you’re living with anxiety, chronic illness, uncertainty, or just the heaviness of life, I can’t recommend it enough. It reminds me that while I can do my best to live a healthy, holy lifestyle, there are still things I simply can’t control. That’s okay! That’s where surrender begins-by accepting that we really aren't in control. God wants us to surrender completely to Him.

This isn’t my last generator change. This isn’t the end of the story. For now, I’m just thankful for the gift of life. I’m asking God for the grace to put myself entirely into His hands and trust that His plan far greater than anything I could imagine.

All any of us can do is live out this perfectly imperfect life to the best of our ability. Please, God, give us the grace to live with faith, love, hope, and with eyes set on Heaven!