Walking Through the Pain
They can hit when you least expect them and can be brought on by things you least expect. One day something might trigger you and the next day it might not bother you as much.
Even years later, some days feel like a whirlwind. At this point, I know what most of my triggers are but there are some days when I am caught off guard. As I write this, I am sitting in the car outside our family pediatrician’s office. My little guy is asleep in the back seat and I am feeling like the tears streaming down my face are never going to stop.
I know I’ll be okay. Today is just hard. The triggers and memories are hitting me.
As a wife and mother, I am pretty busy on a daily basis and so can’t always stop and work through my triggers. I don’t have the ability to take the time and space that I need (and want) right then and there. Sometimes in those moments when I would rather stop everything but don’t have that ability I have to “buckle up my chinstrap” and keep going. I’ll stop and process things when I have the opportunity to do so. Oftentimes, in order to keep going means that I need to take all the kids into another room to do another activity or get physically active. Making doubly sure that I am caring for my basic needs is especially important on bad days. Honestly, that is something I still work on!
It takes prayer, years of practice and determination, the unfailing healing power of Our Lord, and the assistance of Mother Mary and the Saints.
Seriously, I find myself calling on all of Heaven to assist me during those difficult moments. Praise God for all the assistance He gives to us!
Remember never to forget to keep your eyes open for those glimmers of God’s grace especially on the bad days - those sometimes small signs of His presence, grace, and love, those little hugs from God.
Deliverance Prayers have helped me immensely and Fr. Chad Ripperger’s book has been such a glimmer of God’s grace. I keep it within reach almost all the time. The binding prayer on page 19 has become my go-to prayer when I am feeling triggered or having one of those days when I feel as though the devil is trying to bring me down and discourage me. Yesterday and today are some of those days. The summer months are tough for me as the triggers and the memories grow a little stronger since much of the abuse I suffered occurred during this time.
Please know that if you are feeling triggered, there is nothing “wrong” with you. But also know that there is hope. Know that you can get through those horrible moments.
Avoiding having to accept and address triggers isn’t healthy but sometimes you just can’t stop in that moment. That’s okay. Pray, ask God for strength, and do what you need to do. You can process at another time but do be sure you make it a point to do so. The fact that you are able to do that means you are healing!
The scars of trauma may always remain but there will come a time when you find you can keep walking through the pain.
Allow God to build you up. Allow Him to heal you.
If you are reading this and struggling today, you are not alone. You are loved and you are prayed for daily.